A testimony which shows what’s possible to happen when the spiritual development is not based on the relation with Jesus.
My name’s Marlena, I’m 29. I was brought up in a family, where nobody believed in the Holy Sacraments and the sacerdotal ministry. My parents had no church wedding. In school, since elementary school until high school, I disesteemed religion teachers, I was taunting them and interrupting in the lessons. I believed in God but in my way, on my conditions; when I prayed, God was listening to my pleas. About the Bible, I read it and interpreted it arbitrarily. I affied, I was so ”strong” in the Lord that nothing can do me any harm. I met people engaged in spiritism, magic etc, I took part in a séance… nothing can happen to ME, I thought.
The séance was terrible, I heard the words: ”Marlena, satan loves you”, I was terrified, medium calmed me down, but anyway that could be perhaps the reason, for which I kneeled and started to pray to the devil several months later. My friends were used to that practice and they were telling me that the devil was ready to listen to each prayer. So I prayed that somebody may love me. I asked for love. I didn’t go to God with that. As a matter of fact I don’t know why. At home everything was falling apart. Many bad things, supernatural things were happenning after the séance. Soon I fell in an unhappy love and I lived so for over four years, not believing that my love can be requited. I hurt that boy very much. I engaged in magic, astrology, numerology, the tarot and all kinds of fortune telling, in bioenergotherapy, kahuna, and any promise of strength and help, happiness and the power of the subconscious, etc…
As an effect came a deepening depression, then suicidal attempt and in the end suicidal thinking on a permanent basis. After I saw a tv programme about so called Gospel of James, I stopped believing in Jesus. Than the belief in reincarnation came, accompanied by deepening despair and hopelessness. I gave no damn about the Easter 2003, having passed that holiday I felt an emptiness which I accounted as an emptiness “after the tradition.”
One night in mid-March 2004 I must have had a nervous breakdown. I was screaming to God, any God, be it Buddha, Muhammad, God understood as an energy etc. Only Jesus wasn’t being taken under consideration, I believed he had been just a man living some 2000 years ago. I yelled to God that He was a sadist if He let me to exist, that He didn’t know what is the pain and so on… I requested Him to show me who He is, to show me His Face. Well, you know, God did answer me, and He was no Buddha, he was no Muhammad and no other god of sun, ‘cos there’s no god of sun, there is only One God in Three Persons. Jesus, the most unexpected One, has answered. And He did immediately.
Next day I ”accidentally” happened to go to the cinema to see „The Passion.” During the show I behaved raffishly, but it was then, when God „convinced” me. I can’t describe it, I just got rid of doubts about the identity of Jesus, I believed in Him anew and I acknowledged in my heart that He died for me on the Cross. I realized that it is my sin that hurt Him and not He hurting me; I decided to go to the church on Easter. And I went, but it was not so simple. The devil took up the fight, my bad times began. People in the church and elsewhere seemed to have grimaced faces, I had terrible anxieties, a bus driving down the street seemed to run centrally on me. I was throwing blasphemies, although I didn’t want to. I almost spat out the Holy Communion (after my Confession), I couldn’t sleep, at night I felt like a victim of psychopath, had sensations like being sliced plainly conscious and so on. Once, while cooking,I realized that I diggged a knife in my belly and… many other things which I’m not going to tell about ‘cos I don’t mean to terrify you 🙂
A friend of mine introduced me to an altar boy, who had a deliverance prayer. He took me to a priest, who heard to my General Confession (of my whole life) and to an exorcist who recited exorcisms over me. I visited that priest for a prayer twice, after that second time all late symptoms disappeared instantly, a great joy and happiness emerged in my heart. I accepted personally Jesus as the Lord and Savior of my life!
Last May seven years passed since that time, and six years ago I joined a Charismatic Community of Renewal in the Holy Spirit. The community of people, who not just „believe” – they really trust Jesus and now they „go and make disciples” of others, teach them to follow His Word, to maintain the relationship with Him, which makes you joyful. Since I am with God, I have each single day at heart; each one is a gift, I enjoy. I accepted myself, my personality, my appearance. God has delivered me from drugs and depression. Today I trust Him, I experienced the power of His sacraments and I believe in them. The prayer made me feel free of that internal emptiness, feel happy. I still have some problems, but now I know that Christ Himself is the most important person to hear my pleas,that refer not only to me and to everyday life, but such ones, which you can call medical miracles, among others a healing prayer was listened to (a four-year-old was to undergo a transplantation), a healing of an infant with an illness supposed not to be curable and which could have taken away the sight and the hearing for ever and many more… for nothing is impossible for the Lord. And I met a friend for thick and thin.
I have married a man, whom I love and who loves me very much, with a heart of gold and a great sense of humour, with whom I’m not bored:) He has his own history of conversion. I am mother of three.
God has changed my thinking. He taught me how is it to be loved and to love safely. What is a real fulfilment and self-development, not the global rat race. I’m fascinated with my studies, paedagogics and resocialization. My dreams about job are coming true step by step, like among other things I am an interpersonal coach. I am happy to get new life! I feel fulfilled, free and loved.
It’s so exciting that God Himself proves me how much He trusts me and that so far it is only the beginning of what He intends to do in my life: to show me His love, to give me happiness and see me happy.
Glory to the Lord!
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