My confession, which I am going to write here, may seem odd or terrifying for somebody. Someone can find it just frills of a hysterical girl, bored with her life, seeking some thrill. Anyway, if there will be a single person who finds my story helpful or comforting, I am able to expose my soul before the eyes of everybody.
Let’s start then. As a child I believed in God very fervently, my faith was so pure, innocent, beautiful and stable. I kissed the image of Jesus for good night, I trusted Him and I trusted mammy and daddy in Heaven. Then some dreams or visions appeared, that began to come true, and I forgot the One, who’s watching over me and I sank in horoscopes. When I was 10, I was already able to cast the most simple horoscopes. I still had some problems with maths at that time, so I didn’t understand some details, but it didn’t prevent me from going to the post office to send some money and get a private horoscope and a book by author. Then it came: Mommy, I hear evil thoughts. – What do they say, darling? – They want me to kill you.
What can feel a 10-year-old child, an ordinary, good one? She’s told: kill your mommy, kill your daddy, kill your sissy, kill them, kill. I wassoscared at night, I needed to sleep with my parents, was afraid of scissors, pins, scarfs, anything, I could hurt myself of my family witj. How to explain that? Doctor. Well, I got survey, therapy – nothing. The child is quite normal, it must be an effect of adolescence. Damn it, are the hormones that talk to me in my head? I believed then in what they said, had no place to seek support, until somebody advised me to go to the Church. So I confessed, received the Communion. I wept during the confession. And it began to ease off bit by bit. Well, so next five years were marvellous. My friends were for me like sisters, I was a success, got good scores in school, had wealthy, loving parents, no teenage rebellion. I had problems like: he didn’t send the sms again, of got F in maths. I obviously forgot about what had been earlier, I didn’t think about it, it was just out of my knowingness. I set out to tell fortunes again, now with tarot, not just horoscopes. Besides I had an ability to know what will happen to a person only with looking at her or him. But it was not a standard of my life, generally I was perceived as a person unable to stay in one place, I was always laughing, playing volleyball, with no special reflexion on God, sects, suicides, mysteries. There’s a world there and it’s fine.
Leaving the secondary school I didn’t go to Confirmation. Someway I just didn’t have time. I was learning all the time, had trainings, there was everything except God. I was laughing at girls attending the Oasis community meetings, I preferred parties rather than the Church.
It happened during the vacations after the exams to the high school. I was at a volleyball camp then. Suddenly some homosexual thoughts appeared. I felt just stupid, I had been in love with a boy for two years then, I even happened to have some other sweethearts in the same time and, well, maybe it is not highly tolerant but I was just used to avoid „such” people. If I liked a poet but learned him be „different”, I was giving up with his writing. That was the beginning, at the end my nights were marked with fears and obsessions. Everything came back and it was double-barrelled. I was waking up at 3 od 4 am, or was not sleeping at all, I was looking at some shadows approaching me. Whayt was written in my diary, was not my handwriting, I was so scared. During the day I could burst into tears during the lesson for instance, I was thinking about suicide permanently, I saw a different reality. I heard people’s thoughts in the bus, I saw rapes while crossing certain places. I felt, I was going crazy and I was so much scared. Finally I learned, it may be an obsession. I ran to a priest. It was an autumn Friday night, 8 p.m. I was weeping. The priest let me in, closed the door. Listened to me. He didn’t say, I was crazy, he just helped me. He told me to trust God. Next day he came to me with his leg in cast. I didn’t ask. Gradually I was regaining calm. Although God gave me two chances, unfortunately I didn’t wasn’t wise enough to make most of any. During the whole three years of the high school only parties, friends, boyfriend and, well, the classes mattered. Again I forgot about God and in the third class I even started cursing the priests, calling them deviants, who close themselves in the convents, and run away from the reality and problems. I was so stupid… so stupid.
I graduated from the high school to be admitted to the university. One day I stopped in the middle of the street and God came back to my mind. I said then: Tarry a while, now only get husband, children and live happily ever until death. I thanked God for everything, I had no problems, there just was me and me. I was conceited, wasn’t I? At that time I frequently visited various fortune tellers to get to know how will I pass the matura, who will be my husband, is my boyfriend loyal etc. Once I happened to get to a woman, I was terribly afraid of. I wanted to flee immediately but, well, the visit was prearranged. When I left, I felt as if somebody followed me.
July, the whole month of freedom, boys, discos, beach, sea and planning the studies. Well, one time I am reading a newspaper, a coverage on paedophilia. What morons, I think, and just in a while a thought comes: you’re just like them. I didn’t realize that the nightmare was beginning again. I permanently saw my supposed child, drowned by myself during the bath, I saw grimaced faces of nuns, priests, people seemed to be figures from fairy tales. I lost the sense of reality. I was normal outside, but deep inside I felt, something scary was going on. I went to a fortune teller. I constated, somebody must have cast a spell on me. After that visit it went worse. I couldn’t sleep, something was choking me at night, in the church I saw demons hammering the doors and the blood of Jesus on the walls. Znowu waszej stronie. I found God first in some testimonies, then in the words written by Marek, and my soul hurt so much, that I wanted to kill myself. Then I found God thanks to Agnieszka and in the end I found Him in my own heart.
I visited a priest (and?) people, who experienced similar things. My family has converted, we are supporting each other. The struggle continues, but now there is Christ in me. And although satan still intents to take my soul away, I am not going to surrender, I am not going to repeat my previous mistake. I only regret that I blew two chances, that I didn’t confide in Him, just when He was delivering me from evil. I still have some problems with the prayer, I am afraid that the fears will continue, but I know that God is not going to leave me when I hunger after Him so much.
In the end I’d like to warn everybody of similar tragedy. Usually we associate religious people with spleeny psychopaths, people with pathologic past, witches in black. That’s not true. You always should be in touch with God, experience the miracle of Eucharist, because if the evil will dwell in our soul, even some person’s bad thoughts about us can harm us.